Really Depressed

I've been really depressed lately.  Not just a "I don't feel like doing anything today" kind of depressed, no, this is like, "I want to take ALL the pills in the closet because there is no hope" kind of depressed.  Scary, I know.   Thankfully, I know this is part of the disease and I've learned that if I don't take the pills and wait it out, it will get better.   yes, the sun will come out tomorrow.

Couple that with my "non residue" diet and I've allowed myself to eat carbs. Tons and tons of carbs.  I'm eating entire loaves of bread.  yes loaves.  I ate 6 muffins yesterday.   And two pints of ice cream. Real ice cream.  Soft and squishy foods are ok.  And guess what?  My stomach loves it.

I CRAVE vegetables and salad.  And that clean, healthy feeling from eating a huge satisfying salad.  Will I ever eat that again?    How will I ever feel healthy and eat "clean" with this disease?  

And with the depressed episodes it's just SO easy to eat crap

It's Not Just About How I Look

It's not just about how I look.  Sure, there is pressure from my job (self imposed!) to "look the part" of a trainer.  And these increasing images on Facebook of these super lean, ripped women are not helping the image!!  Even my bikini-model friends only look like that for an hour or two!!!

When I look at myself in the mirror with love and not judgement, I feel ok.  I look like a normal person.  When the judgement occurs and I compare my body to how it was just a few weeks ago, or to other peoples' bodies I feel bad, and HUGE.

The lesson there - see myself with LOVE!!!

And then, TREAT MYSELF WITH LOVE!!!


I let my emotions rule and they do NOT rule.

It's Been A While!

I've been gone for a while but I'm still moody, and still eating haphazardly.   I'm actually less moody, thanks to some WONDERFUL drugs.  But I continue to eat based on how I feel, and feelings constantly change, even if you are normal and "healthy".

I was recently diagnosed with Ischemic Colitis that landed me in the hospital for a week.  Best and worst week of my life.  I was able to really clean out my system (not by choice) and rest my body, which it desperately needed.  I do not have PTO accumulated yet, so it was an unpaid week, and I racked up some crazy hospital bills. But I learned that my insides cannot take the beating I put them through.  Ischemic Colitis is caused by lack of blood flow to the intestines.   So I've been dehydrating myself, working out hard, and eating crap.  This has all attributed to these problems.  This has been going on for a while now... I can't remember when the pain started but probably a year or more... it's been almost two years since I thought I "pulled" my hip flexor/ psoas, which, in hindsight, was probably the beginning of these issues.

Since leaving the hospital  I have gained 15 lbs, AT LEAST, because I have been scared to eat fruits and vegetables and have been eating what I know will not make me sick.  And also I have been pushing the limit of my digestive system because I "need" that feeling of fullness to feel safe and secure.  So I eat until about an 8 on the hunger scale, instead of the full 10... falling into the security of fullness without making myself sick.