Really Depressed

I've been really depressed lately.  Not just a "I don't feel like doing anything today" kind of depressed, no, this is like, "I want to take ALL the pills in the closet because there is no hope" kind of depressed.  Scary, I know.   Thankfully, I know this is part of the disease and I've learned that if I don't take the pills and wait it out, it will get better.   yes, the sun will come out tomorrow.

Couple that with my "non residue" diet and I've allowed myself to eat carbs. Tons and tons of carbs.  I'm eating entire loaves of bread.  yes loaves.  I ate 6 muffins yesterday.   And two pints of ice cream. Real ice cream.  Soft and squishy foods are ok.  And guess what?  My stomach loves it.

I CRAVE vegetables and salad.  And that clean, healthy feeling from eating a huge satisfying salad.  Will I ever eat that again?    How will I ever feel healthy and eat "clean" with this disease?  

And with the depressed episodes it's just SO easy to eat crap

It's Not Just About How I Look

It's not just about how I look.  Sure, there is pressure from my job (self imposed!) to "look the part" of a trainer.  And these increasing images on Facebook of these super lean, ripped women are not helping the image!!  Even my bikini-model friends only look like that for an hour or two!!!

When I look at myself in the mirror with love and not judgement, I feel ok.  I look like a normal person.  When the judgement occurs and I compare my body to how it was just a few weeks ago, or to other peoples' bodies I feel bad, and HUGE.

The lesson there - see myself with LOVE!!!

And then, TREAT MYSELF WITH LOVE!!!


I let my emotions rule and they do NOT rule.

It's Been A While!

I've been gone for a while but I'm still moody, and still eating haphazardly.   I'm actually less moody, thanks to some WONDERFUL drugs.  But I continue to eat based on how I feel, and feelings constantly change, even if you are normal and "healthy".

I was recently diagnosed with Ischemic Colitis that landed me in the hospital for a week.  Best and worst week of my life.  I was able to really clean out my system (not by choice) and rest my body, which it desperately needed.  I do not have PTO accumulated yet, so it was an unpaid week, and I racked up some crazy hospital bills. But I learned that my insides cannot take the beating I put them through.  Ischemic Colitis is caused by lack of blood flow to the intestines.   So I've been dehydrating myself, working out hard, and eating crap.  This has all attributed to these problems.  This has been going on for a while now... I can't remember when the pain started but probably a year or more... it's been almost two years since I thought I "pulled" my hip flexor/ psoas, which, in hindsight, was probably the beginning of these issues.

Since leaving the hospital  I have gained 15 lbs, AT LEAST, because I have been scared to eat fruits and vegetables and have been eating what I know will not make me sick.  And also I have been pushing the limit of my digestive system because I "need" that feeling of fullness to feel safe and secure.  So I eat until about an 8 on the hunger scale, instead of the full 10... falling into the security of fullness without making myself sick.

Things, I Mean Food, I'll Miss From NOVA

One of my clients asked me what I'll miss about NOVA, and all I could think of was all the food places I love.  So here's a list of all the food I will miss:

1.  Anita's Burritos  - cheap and declicious.  A good combo of comforting carbs, flavorful/ mildly spicy cheesy egg and potato filling.   For less than $2 each, I usually get 4. Or 5.  Or 6.  Thankfully, I've been eating them almost every day for the last few weeks, and I'm almost sick of them.

2. Expo Cafe - I'm sure there are other breakfast places that serve early breakfast, hot omelettes, french toast, pancakes, etc.  I'm sure there are other breakfast places that are less expensive.  And I'm sure there are other breakfast places that use less grease on their griddles!   But will it be next door?   That's one of the perks of this location - the Expo Cafe is literally in the building next to ours.... just a hop, skip and a jump away, which means fresh, hot food is just all too convenient.

3.  Sheetz.  So convenient.  So cheap.  So many fun snacks!!

Post Copy From Scott Abel.....

Here is a portion of a Christmas poem I thought was especially timely:  

I say let go of the guilt

And stick a fork in your diet

And I’m sure you will like this

If you let yourself try it

The guilt and the worry

Will surely poison your mood

And all over what?

Some drink and some food?

There’s a time to make Merry

To be human as well

So why give this all up

For some dark diet hell?

We celebrate yearly

With food and with drink

Embrace them both fully

It’s time don’t you think?

Don’t you get tired

Of the same yearly game?

You crave and resist

And end up with shame

Forget all these experts

Who warn you of gain

They are part of the problem

And cause you more pain

They tell you, “be worried,”

Or you may end up fatter

They want to generate fear

So ignore all their chatter

You need not resist

And suffer in hiding

Get out there and share

In warm joyful tidings

There is a time and a place

And the holiday season’s not it

To think that your diet

Is something you “quit”

Raise a glass to good cheer

And fill your plate up as well

And embrace all the sentiment

From that first jingle bell

Because spiritual fitness

Is shaped in traditions

So, embrace them in full

Without these self-conscious restrictions

There can be food for the soul

And for the soul, can be food

And there’s meaning in that

And I don’t want to be rude

But there will always be time

For the battle of the bulge

But there should also be occasion

To most fully indulge

So here’s my idea

It’s not so contrary

It’s is far more important – in season

          To Eat, Drink, and be Merry! 

One Way or Another, We're Going Back in Time

I had some crazy anxiety yesterday.... almost for no reason.  I thought maybe I was tired and needed rest, or am getting nervous about my trip, or changing meds, or something, and just felt anxious.   I even wondered aloud, "is the other shoe about to drop?".

And then, at the very end of the day, I got an email with some shocking news:  two former co workers from the gym I worked at previously have asked the owner of my studio if they can work with us (due to some drama at their current establishment).   The news threw me for a loop.     This news is upsetting because back in 2011/ 2012 we all basically got along - them, myself, and my current co worker (the one that doesn't speak to me since the hospital incident), and now.... well things are different and awkward.  So how will this affect how those guys treat me?   Will I be able to deal with being around the three of them conversing all day and not being included?   Can I continue to pretend this doesn't bother me?   I’m left out of conversations now - will it make that worse?   I feel like it's awkward for everyone – me, our clients, our other co workers – and while it doesn’t hurt as much anymore, it’s still just annoying to have to deal with.   It will be like stepping back in time, since it has been over a year that we all worked together.   On the other hand, , I've been fantasizing [ok romanticizing] about moving back to Albany... back to where people like me and respect me, despite how difficult it might be to start over.   It would be like stepping back in time, to some extent! Either way, the idea gave me incredible anxiety, and I ate everything I had on hand, instead of just writing and breathing I chewed.  I chewed and chewed and let the ideas spin in my head, until I was so tired I couldn't chew any more.  The other shoe has indeed dropped.

Some Days....

Some days it's easy to eat healthy and workout, and some days my brain and body just strongly disagree.

I want to workout, to keep up this great routine/ regimen I have that's helping me lose body fat.   But i'm tired.   And today it probably the last day I can 'cheat' before vacation..... that will give me one week to eat well, eat clean, and be lean and mean for Tuesday. 

BUT, the good news is that because I tried to prevent the binge by having grapes, dried figs (I know, lots of calories) and some yogurt, I was only able to eat my omelette, a few hash browns, and 2 pieces of french toast and one pancake, instead of ALL of it.   And as soon as I get to my next gym, i'll be throwing it all away, except the toast.  The toast I'm keeping in case I need another carb boost later today.  Besides, I think it's whole wheat.