Overheard

Working in a gym setting for the last 5 years, I have overheard many many comments about how people (mostly women, but a surprising number of men) feel bad about their bodies.   We are our harshest critics, of course, but then there's actual dysmorphia.  

I hear skinny skinny women complain about feeling "puffy", when in reality they are dehydrated and the rest of us can only see muscle and bones on them.   I hear toned women complain about flabby thighs, butts, and (the dreaded) "back fat" when most women would give anything for their toned figure.   I hear fit older women complain about a small belly and "bat wings" ( i.e. flabby triceps) when they are actually in fantastic shape for their age and have no reason to complain when they should be thankful for their health.   

It's whats known as body dysmorphia, and the degree and intensity of it varies by person and their self esteem and self image.     The Mayo Clinic describes it:  "Body dysmorphic disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw in your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don't want to be seen by anyone."

I've had it.  It comes and goes.  But I do my best to keep a positive self image and not let the negative thoughts "stick".  

Calorie Counter

Not sure this is something to brag about, but I know the calorie count of just about every food.  I can estimate it in my head.  Why?  Because I've been counting calories since middle school.   Without thinking, I know that a serving of Cheerios is 3/4 of a cup and approximately 100 calories.   I know that a medium apple and a medium banana are both about 100 calories, and that blackberries have the least amount of sugar.   

Now that I'm 36 years old (!), it saddens me to think I have been counting calories since I was 14.   It saddens me to think 14 year old girls today worry about their calories just as I did at that age.  

This "skill", if you will, actually comes in handy with my clients. I can scan their food diaries and quickly estimate calories.   Of course, today, databases such as "My Fitness Pal" are full of (fairly) accurate nutritional statistics and my educational guesses are pretty much useless.  

I think this skill works against me sometimes when I am feeling rebellious - tired of counting calories and eating clean - I know that there are over 1000 calories in a burrito from Chipotle or Moe's so I'll get one to rebel against myself.  A box of bakery cookies @ 200+ calories each?  I'm a "bad" girl.  This also serves to confirm that I cannot be trusted with food.   

Letter To My 13 Year Old Self

13 year old Beth , 

You're going to drive to Notre Dame with the Mikas and have a very memorable trip.  For some reason both you and Jennifer are reading a book about an anorexic girl and pick up the habits.   Jennifer is already smaller than you and will become full fledged anorexic very soon.  Please do not compare yourself to her.   Please do not adopt her habits.   Yes, you all eat a doughnut at the hotel breakfast during the trip.   And that should not be a major memory, nor an issue.   Remember the fun, the celebration, the beautiful weather and all the things that make Notre Dame unique!  

Despite being your closest friend through middle school, Jen will struggle with food, but you will never talk about it.    You will also struggle with food and never talk about it. 

Jen will eventually go for help to a treatment center in Atlanta during your freshmen year of high school.    Be prepared for your reality check and find a way to deal with this.   Yes, you'll have crew, and races, and new friends, and fun activities, but you'll still use food to control every anxiety. 

You will wish you had a way to ask for help, like Jen got, but you do not know how to describe the issue.  Find a way!  Stop hiding your food!   Stop denying your desire to control everything you eat!  

You are smart, beautiful, and fun.  Relax and enjoy life!  

Sincerely, 
36 year old Beth

The Reality

The reality is:   I am hiding from everyone because I don’t want them to see how fat I am.

The reality is:   I don’t want to talk to anyone until I feel good about myself or have things under control.

The reality is:   I feel ashamed that I can’t get in control, embarrassed that I allow it, guilty that I let others down by not holding myself to the same standard that I hold them to.  

The reality is:   I fear that I wont get control back.  I fear that it will spiral worse out of control and I’ll bust my pants.  I fear that people are talking about me behind my back.  I’m certain they are. I just don’t want to accept it

The reality is:   What if I had Confidence?   Wouldn't it be amazing to lose weight, have self control, feel good about myself, feel beautiful, and have others notice my beauty? 

The reality is:    I've been though this mental exercise before, I've gone over these same belief systems in my head and still not managed to remember it or apply it.  I don’t put enough emphasis on it?  I don’t truly believe it? Apparently not!