One Way or Another, We're Going Back in Time

I had some crazy anxiety yesterday.... almost for no reason.  I thought maybe I was tired and needed rest, or am getting nervous about my trip, or changing meds, or something, and just felt anxious.   I even wondered aloud, "is the other shoe about to drop?".

And then, at the very end of the day, I got an email with some shocking news:  two former co workers from the gym I worked at previously have asked the owner of my studio if they can work with us (due to some drama at their current establishment).   The news threw me for a loop.     This news is upsetting because back in 2011/ 2012 we all basically got along - them, myself, and my current co worker (the one that doesn't speak to me since the hospital incident), and now.... well things are different and awkward.  So how will this affect how those guys treat me?   Will I be able to deal with being around the three of them conversing all day and not being included?   Can I continue to pretend this doesn't bother me?   I’m left out of conversations now - will it make that worse?   I feel like it's awkward for everyone – me, our clients, our other co workers – and while it doesn’t hurt as much anymore, it’s still just annoying to have to deal with.   It will be like stepping back in time, since it has been over a year that we all worked together.   On the other hand, , I've been fantasizing [ok romanticizing] about moving back to Albany... back to where people like me and respect me, despite how difficult it might be to start over.   It would be like stepping back in time, to some extent! Either way, the idea gave me incredible anxiety, and I ate everything I had on hand, instead of just writing and breathing I chewed.  I chewed and chewed and let the ideas spin in my head, until I was so tired I couldn't chew any more.  The other shoe has indeed dropped.

That's My Sheetz

I told him, jokingly, when he moved to South Riding, that the Sheetz on Rt 50 was "my" Sheetz and not to be seen there!   Joking, of course, but until now, I hadn't seen him there!

Of course, during a binge, my drive to Sheetz is urgent, tense, and filled with frustration to begin with, and pulling into the parking lot to see him pulling out only fueled my fire.  

I let it upset me.   In reality, it's like an annoying driver on the road.... you know, the ones that tail you despite the fact that the slow people are in front of you, or the ones that speed and zip in and out of lanes as if where they are going is so. much. more. important!  It's like that - irritating at the time, annoying enough to jog your memory in the next few hours, but can be shaken off.

I'm not sure he even saw me, and I kind of hope he did because this is all his problem and he needs to face it.  

It didn't change what I got:  2 sandwiches, trail mix, and the PB & Choc trail mix, which I ate every bite of and was completely sick 5 hours later. 

Remind me not to eat peanuts.  Never. ever. again. 

Overheard

Working in a gym setting for the last 5 years, I have overheard many many comments about how people (mostly women, but a surprising number of men) feel bad about their bodies.   We are our harshest critics, of course, but then there's actual dysmorphia.  

I hear skinny skinny women complain about feeling "puffy", when in reality they are dehydrated and the rest of us can only see muscle and bones on them.   I hear toned women complain about flabby thighs, butts, and (the dreaded) "back fat" when most women would give anything for their toned figure.   I hear fit older women complain about a small belly and "bat wings" ( i.e. flabby triceps) when they are actually in fantastic shape for their age and have no reason to complain when they should be thankful for their health.   

It's whats known as body dysmorphia, and the degree and intensity of it varies by person and their self esteem and self image.     The Mayo Clinic describes it:  "Body dysmorphic disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw in your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don't want to be seen by anyone."

I've had it.  It comes and goes.  But I do my best to keep a positive self image and not let the negative thoughts "stick".  

"You said 2?"

Yes, Mr McDonald's order taker, I said two.  Two big breakfasts with hotcakes.  

That's not what I said, of course, I just said "yes" to confirm, because I know he was just confirming the order - that's his job.   But I felt as if he was asking "Beth, do you really need 2?  Do you really need 1?  Is this what you really want?"   because that's what I was fighting inside.   I know I didn't want 2, I know I didn't even want 1.  But Expo Cafe was closed (!) and for some reason my body is very "off" this AM.  It is probably due to my going to bed at 6pm after overeating and drinking 2 beers which I never do!

I also did not workout yesterday which usually makes me feel guilty -> shame -> eat to feel better -> can't be trusted with food -> eat in desperation.  

So yes, I choked down two (2) big breakfasts from Mc Donald's.   They are kinda gross, actually.  And I still have a headache.   

But what if today I work on accepting myself as I am.   Doesn't matter what I eat or what I do or what I look like.  I may feel gross and fat inside, but what if that's ok?   What if I just accept that and be ME?!

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

That's actually the title of a documentary about food.   I have not watched it yet, but I hear positive reviews.  Plus it's free on Hulu, and probably Netflix, too. 

Fat
I'm not really fat, I just feel fat.   Because I have not felt well enough to exercise, and because I have been eating everything I want ( i.e. everything I crave), justifying it with, "....But I'm sick...!".

Nevertheless, we all know basic science says three or four days of carb overload leads to water retention, mood swings, and headaches.  Fo' sho'. 
I have not weighed myself, but I can tell by my clothes that I am the heaviest I have ever been (when your "fat clothes" are tight, you know).

Sick
I did buy every type of cough and cold medicine out there.  Notice in the picture, I have also been to every store in NOVA.   

Expectorants, suppressants, and multi-symptom relief.... something ought to kick in by now!!  Or hopefully tomorrow. 

Nearly Dead
I'm not nearly dead.   Somewhere deep inside, my heart is devastated that I look as bad as I do.  My self esteem is nearly dead.   But it can be saved and I am working on it!