Some Days....

Some days it's easy to eat healthy and workout, and some days my brain and body just strongly disagree.

I want to workout, to keep up this great routine/ regimen I have that's helping me lose body fat.   But i'm tired.   And today it probably the last day I can 'cheat' before vacation..... that will give me one week to eat well, eat clean, and be lean and mean for Tuesday. 

BUT, the good news is that because I tried to prevent the binge by having grapes, dried figs (I know, lots of calories) and some yogurt, I was only able to eat my omelette, a few hash browns, and 2 pieces of french toast and one pancake, instead of ALL of it.   And as soon as I get to my next gym, i'll be throwing it all away, except the toast.  The toast I'm keeping in case I need another carb boost later today.  Besides, I think it's whole wheat. 

"You said 2?"

Yes, Mr McDonald's order taker, I said two.  Two big breakfasts with hotcakes.  

That's not what I said, of course, I just said "yes" to confirm, because I know he was just confirming the order - that's his job.   But I felt as if he was asking "Beth, do you really need 2?  Do you really need 1?  Is this what you really want?"   because that's what I was fighting inside.   I know I didn't want 2, I know I didn't even want 1.  But Expo Cafe was closed (!) and for some reason my body is very "off" this AM.  It is probably due to my going to bed at 6pm after overeating and drinking 2 beers which I never do!

I also did not workout yesterday which usually makes me feel guilty -> shame -> eat to feel better -> can't be trusted with food -> eat in desperation.  

So yes, I choked down two (2) big breakfasts from Mc Donald's.   They are kinda gross, actually.  And I still have a headache.   

But what if today I work on accepting myself as I am.   Doesn't matter what I eat or what I do or what I look like.  I may feel gross and fat inside, but what if that's ok?   What if I just accept that and be ME?!

Breakfast

Me, ordering breakfast this morning:  "Hi, I would like to order a sad platter, with a side of frustration, a side of anger, and a cup of tears."

Expo Cafe lady:  "You mean a fruit salad?"

Me:  "oh, right!"

My favorite breakfast makes everything better.   Unfortunately I think this funk is hormonal (i.e. there's nothing I can really do about it), because I don't have any major circumstances to be sad about.... well, nothing more than the usual longings.   My omelette, hash browns, pancakes, and french toast tasted like sweet comfort!   Heavy and sitting in my stomach, it definitely doesn't support my goals or values.  But it tasted good and I need as many outlets for my mood as possible. 

So I have a feeling today will be full of journaling, of sitting still, and eating.  And with any hope, tomorrow will be better. 

Comfort Food

Today is another fat day.   I've never been this big, this wide, or this heavy.  I can’t stop eating -  I just want comfort…….  Why?   Because I hurt.  Losing my friends hurts my heart.  It’s getting easier, in general, but I still feel a stab of pain when I see their activity on Facebook, or have a memory of one of them.   The meditation will help, but it’s much easier to just eat.  And frankly, there is a rush, a bit of an adrenaline rush, that comes with “cheating” and eating “bad” food.

Plus, my chest cold remains in my chest and has managed to travel to my head, so I’m still sick, and that is not helping my motivation to do anything.   Nor is the rain…. Or, more like torrential downpours.

Today I bought what I wanted yesterday – Pancakes and French toast with scrambled eggs, sausage, and bacon from Expo Café… ( this amazing “breakfast / lunch only” café located in the building next to ours ).