Really Depressed

I've been really depressed lately.  Not just a "I don't feel like doing anything today" kind of depressed, no, this is like, "I want to take ALL the pills in the closet because there is no hope" kind of depressed.  Scary, I know.   Thankfully, I know this is part of the disease and I've learned that if I don't take the pills and wait it out, it will get better.   yes, the sun will come out tomorrow.

Couple that with my "non residue" diet and I've allowed myself to eat carbs. Tons and tons of carbs.  I'm eating entire loaves of bread.  yes loaves.  I ate 6 muffins yesterday.   And two pints of ice cream. Real ice cream.  Soft and squishy foods are ok.  And guess what?  My stomach loves it.

I CRAVE vegetables and salad.  And that clean, healthy feeling from eating a huge satisfying salad.  Will I ever eat that again?    How will I ever feel healthy and eat "clean" with this disease?  

And with the depressed episodes it's just SO easy to eat crap

Some Days....

Some days it's easy to eat healthy and workout, and some days my brain and body just strongly disagree.

I want to workout, to keep up this great routine/ regimen I have that's helping me lose body fat.   But i'm tired.   And today it probably the last day I can 'cheat' before vacation..... that will give me one week to eat well, eat clean, and be lean and mean for Tuesday. 

BUT, the good news is that because I tried to prevent the binge by having grapes, dried figs (I know, lots of calories) and some yogurt, I was only able to eat my omelette, a few hash browns, and 2 pieces of french toast and one pancake, instead of ALL of it.   And as soon as I get to my next gym, i'll be throwing it all away, except the toast.  The toast I'm keeping in case I need another carb boost later today.  Besides, I think it's whole wheat. 

That's My Sheetz

I told him, jokingly, when he moved to South Riding, that the Sheetz on Rt 50 was "my" Sheetz and not to be seen there!   Joking, of course, but until now, I hadn't seen him there!

Of course, during a binge, my drive to Sheetz is urgent, tense, and filled with frustration to begin with, and pulling into the parking lot to see him pulling out only fueled my fire.  

I let it upset me.   In reality, it's like an annoying driver on the road.... you know, the ones that tail you despite the fact that the slow people are in front of you, or the ones that speed and zip in and out of lanes as if where they are going is so. much. more. important!  It's like that - irritating at the time, annoying enough to jog your memory in the next few hours, but can be shaken off.

I'm not sure he even saw me, and I kind of hope he did because this is all his problem and he needs to face it.  

It didn't change what I got:  2 sandwiches, trail mix, and the PB & Choc trail mix, which I ate every bite of and was completely sick 5 hours later. 

Remind me not to eat peanuts.  Never. ever. again. 

"You said 2?"

Yes, Mr McDonald's order taker, I said two.  Two big breakfasts with hotcakes.  

That's not what I said, of course, I just said "yes" to confirm, because I know he was just confirming the order - that's his job.   But I felt as if he was asking "Beth, do you really need 2?  Do you really need 1?  Is this what you really want?"   because that's what I was fighting inside.   I know I didn't want 2, I know I didn't even want 1.  But Expo Cafe was closed (!) and for some reason my body is very "off" this AM.  It is probably due to my going to bed at 6pm after overeating and drinking 2 beers which I never do!

I also did not workout yesterday which usually makes me feel guilty -> shame -> eat to feel better -> can't be trusted with food -> eat in desperation.  

So yes, I choked down two (2) big breakfasts from Mc Donald's.   They are kinda gross, actually.  And I still have a headache.   

But what if today I work on accepting myself as I am.   Doesn't matter what I eat or what I do or what I look like.  I may feel gross and fat inside, but what if that's ok?   What if I just accept that and be ME?!

Breakfast

Me, ordering breakfast this morning:  "Hi, I would like to order a sad platter, with a side of frustration, a side of anger, and a cup of tears."

Expo Cafe lady:  "You mean a fruit salad?"

Me:  "oh, right!"

My favorite breakfast makes everything better.   Unfortunately I think this funk is hormonal (i.e. there's nothing I can really do about it), because I don't have any major circumstances to be sad about.... well, nothing more than the usual longings.   My omelette, hash browns, pancakes, and french toast tasted like sweet comfort!   Heavy and sitting in my stomach, it definitely doesn't support my goals or values.  But it tasted good and I need as many outlets for my mood as possible. 

So I have a feeling today will be full of journaling, of sitting still, and eating.  And with any hope, tomorrow will be better. 

Halloween Candy

Oh how I hate you, Halloween!  You and your plethora of candy!!   Candy corn, candy pumpkins, miniature sized snickers, milky ways, and just about any candy out there is FRONT AND CENTER at every store.  

In giant bags.  No, in GINORMOUS bags.

Costco apparently had the Biggest Bag Of Them All, because that is what my roommate bought, and I found out later that most people also bought their candy at Costco.
   
Which is fine, except we only used one bag for the kiddos, and we had an entire bag leftover.   

I resisted on the actual day of Halloween.  I had myself a beer [pumpkin ale of course], as a treat, and resisted the candy.

I felt really good about that.  Until Friday night.... I knew the rest of the bag was outside my door.... literally a huge, huge, huge bag full of all the best chocolate candy, was right outside my door.  

So I caved.  I succumbed and stuffed by face with as many peanut butter cups, kit kats, m&m's, peanut m&m's, nestle crunch bars, and milky ways as I could manage. 

I immediately felt guilty.  I worked out extra hard the following day.  And stuffed my face again Sunday.

Thankfully a friend stopped by Sunday morning and took the remainder of the candy away.   But I kept thinking about it.   Not that it felt good to eat that much, or even tasted special (we all know what chocolate and sugar taste like), but it was rebellious and "bad" and that felt good. 

But it's over now.... 'til next year, Mr. Pumpkin! 

Sorta Kinda Good Bad

So tired (couldn't sleep/ got up early).  So anxious (making the trip downtown to watch the Marine Corps Marathon and making it back in time to catch Julie and Kevin on their way back up from Lynchburg). So frustrated (overate wraps, cheese and apples last night because that is all I had, and it didn't even taste good!).   At 5am I left the house and ventured downtown via Metro without eating, and because of that, I'm sure, I started to crave carbs at the race. As the morning dragged on (we're talking 5 am to 8am...), all I could think about was going home and stopping at the best breakfast place in town for some ginormous pancakes!  They make the best, and biggest, pancakes in town!  I tried to force myself to stay in the moment, to enjoy my friend's company and be excited with her, but thoughts of pancakes and home were winning in my mind.   My store experiences at both Trader Joes & Safeway (the two places I stopped on the way home) were much more intense struggles today. The desire to buy something comforting, delicious and "bad" versus the desire to be "good".  In the end, I bought mostly healthy food.  Safeway did not have the fruit salad bar or breakfast bar I had hoped, so I bought soda.  And at the Starbucks next to it, I used a gift card (yes I'm so cheap!) to buy the hummus/chicken/pita/vegetable plate.    At Trader Joes, I bought the groceries I needed for the week, along with dried crunchy green beans and edmame chips... so I don't feel completely guilty.  I did gaze at the pumpkin muffins and sea salt brownies for a while, and considered them, but never picked them up.  BFF Julie and her husband Kevin stopped through on their way home from a wedding in Lynchburg.  We decided to meet for food, since they would be hungry from the car ride, at Glory Days Grill.  I was not going to not get any food, maybe just a beer, and just drink shakes the rest of the day since I had already eaten plenty, but I must have been hungry because everything on the menu was tempting!  I settled on a salad, but the waiter took forever to take our order and I changed my mind into a turkey burger and sweet potato fries.   Turned out to be an excellent choice! But, then I wanted something sweet.   I thought about my choices: hitting up the frozen yogurt store on the way home, stopping at trader joes and buying some of the treats i resisted earlier, and stopping at the grocery store on the way home.   But i resisted all of the choices, primarily because I didn't want to spend the money, but also because I didn't want to make a rash decision.  [I know, who am I?]  So when I got home I curled up with everything chocolate I could find - a protein shake, protein peanut butter cups, and low sugar chocolate bar.   And then three hours later I ate more!!  I went to the Giant store next to my house, but couldn't even decide what I wanted.  Tried to go slow and be mindful and ended up with more single serving things, fruit, and even picked up some cheese that I needed, so I was definitely more mindful because I remembered to get that.  YAY!    I bought arctic zero ice cream (only 150 calories), single serving organic peanut butter cups, and mint chocolate cups, raspberries, and a turkey sandwich.   After I picked those items up I walked by the cakes, pies, and cookies but I didn't buy any!  I actually mixed the candy into the ice cream and it made a fairly satisfying treat!    So the question is, what is really going on? …..   I noticed I am really really tired from having a busy weekend.   Feeling a mixture of sadness, nostalgia, longing, probably due to seeing my friend today, and my friend last week, and talking a lot online to another friend in Albany.   I need to celebrate those relationships but also spend time with people here in Virginia.    As much as I regret eating a lot today, I do not feel as bad about my choices today.  The body needs nourishment.  Isn't that what food is for?

Heartbreak Binge

I can feel the urges ....  the thoughts of which foods would taste good to soothe my broken heart.  Well, it's not really broken, but I feel little stabs of sadness, and waves of disappointment over having such a great time with my friend this weekend, and realizing, knowing, that I told myself stories and very quickly became attached to the idea of him and that those ideas are not realistic. 

So anyway, which foods ease heartbreak?
Chocolate: the "go to" for many, myself included....chocolate candy, chocolate muffins, cookies, ice cream... you name it.   Ben & Jerry's - the kings of ice cream - make a chocolate and mint crunch type ice cream that is incredible.   

Bread: especially anything doughy.  When I lived in Albany, a local bakery called Mastroianni Bros made THE BEST rolls and bread.   I literally used to eat them Every. Day.  For the better part of a year, I ate an entire loaf of their bread every Saturday morning.  

Sweet and salty together: "kettle" type chips or popcorn is excellent for this craving. 

Sandwiches:  there is something unusually comforting about sandwiches.  Sheetz carries two "wrap" style sandwiches in it's pre-made section that I really like. 

Whether or not I choose to partake in any of these has yet to be determined.  I am REALLY enjoying fitting in my clothes again - holding steady at 156.    So I actually feel like I should just stick with what I've been eating.  I have plenty of healthy options to keep me full.  

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

That's actually the title of a documentary about food.   I have not watched it yet, but I hear positive reviews.  Plus it's free on Hulu, and probably Netflix, too. 

Fat
I'm not really fat, I just feel fat.   Because I have not felt well enough to exercise, and because I have been eating everything I want ( i.e. everything I crave), justifying it with, "....But I'm sick...!".

Nevertheless, we all know basic science says three or four days of carb overload leads to water retention, mood swings, and headaches.  Fo' sho'. 
I have not weighed myself, but I can tell by my clothes that I am the heaviest I have ever been (when your "fat clothes" are tight, you know).

Sick
I did buy every type of cough and cold medicine out there.  Notice in the picture, I have also been to every store in NOVA.   

Expectorants, suppressants, and multi-symptom relief.... something ought to kick in by now!!  Or hopefully tomorrow. 

Nearly Dead
I'm not nearly dead.   Somewhere deep inside, my heart is devastated that I look as bad as I do.  My self esteem is nearly dead.   But it can be saved and I am working on it!