Really Depressed

I've been really depressed lately.  Not just a "I don't feel like doing anything today" kind of depressed, no, this is like, "I want to take ALL the pills in the closet because there is no hope" kind of depressed.  Scary, I know.   Thankfully, I know this is part of the disease and I've learned that if I don't take the pills and wait it out, it will get better.   yes, the sun will come out tomorrow.

Couple that with my "non residue" diet and I've allowed myself to eat carbs. Tons and tons of carbs.  I'm eating entire loaves of bread.  yes loaves.  I ate 6 muffins yesterday.   And two pints of ice cream. Real ice cream.  Soft and squishy foods are ok.  And guess what?  My stomach loves it.

I CRAVE vegetables and salad.  And that clean, healthy feeling from eating a huge satisfying salad.  Will I ever eat that again?    How will I ever feel healthy and eat "clean" with this disease?  

And with the depressed episodes it's just SO easy to eat crap

It's Not Just About How I Look

It's not just about how I look.  Sure, there is pressure from my job (self imposed!) to "look the part" of a trainer.  And these increasing images on Facebook of these super lean, ripped women are not helping the image!!  Even my bikini-model friends only look like that for an hour or two!!!

When I look at myself in the mirror with love and not judgement, I feel ok.  I look like a normal person.  When the judgement occurs and I compare my body to how it was just a few weeks ago, or to other peoples' bodies I feel bad, and HUGE.

The lesson there - see myself with LOVE!!!

And then, TREAT MYSELF WITH LOVE!!!


I let my emotions rule and they do NOT rule.

One Way or Another, We're Going Back in Time

I had some crazy anxiety yesterday.... almost for no reason.  I thought maybe I was tired and needed rest, or am getting nervous about my trip, or changing meds, or something, and just felt anxious.   I even wondered aloud, "is the other shoe about to drop?".

And then, at the very end of the day, I got an email with some shocking news:  two former co workers from the gym I worked at previously have asked the owner of my studio if they can work with us (due to some drama at their current establishment).   The news threw me for a loop.     This news is upsetting because back in 2011/ 2012 we all basically got along - them, myself, and my current co worker (the one that doesn't speak to me since the hospital incident), and now.... well things are different and awkward.  So how will this affect how those guys treat me?   Will I be able to deal with being around the three of them conversing all day and not being included?   Can I continue to pretend this doesn't bother me?   I’m left out of conversations now - will it make that worse?   I feel like it's awkward for everyone – me, our clients, our other co workers – and while it doesn’t hurt as much anymore, it’s still just annoying to have to deal with.   It will be like stepping back in time, since it has been over a year that we all worked together.   On the other hand, , I've been fantasizing [ok romanticizing] about moving back to Albany... back to where people like me and respect me, despite how difficult it might be to start over.   It would be like stepping back in time, to some extent! Either way, the idea gave me incredible anxiety, and I ate everything I had on hand, instead of just writing and breathing I chewed.  I chewed and chewed and let the ideas spin in my head, until I was so tired I couldn't chew any more.  The other shoe has indeed dropped.

That's My Sheetz

I told him, jokingly, when he moved to South Riding, that the Sheetz on Rt 50 was "my" Sheetz and not to be seen there!   Joking, of course, but until now, I hadn't seen him there!

Of course, during a binge, my drive to Sheetz is urgent, tense, and filled with frustration to begin with, and pulling into the parking lot to see him pulling out only fueled my fire.  

I let it upset me.   In reality, it's like an annoying driver on the road.... you know, the ones that tail you despite the fact that the slow people are in front of you, or the ones that speed and zip in and out of lanes as if where they are going is so. much. more. important!  It's like that - irritating at the time, annoying enough to jog your memory in the next few hours, but can be shaken off.

I'm not sure he even saw me, and I kind of hope he did because this is all his problem and he needs to face it.  

It didn't change what I got:  2 sandwiches, trail mix, and the PB & Choc trail mix, which I ate every bite of and was completely sick 5 hours later. 

Remind me not to eat peanuts.  Never. ever. again. 

This Too Shall Pass

"Bad days are normal, they are part of life. We all have them. True freedom comes when you finally realize that a bad day doesn't mean you're 'doing it wrong' or that what you're doing isn't working. We get into trouble because we respond to bad days by making drastic changes in our routines. 

Consistency and balance are the true secrets to long term success, and jumping from diet to diet in reaction to a bad day undermines that goal. 

The bad day will pass. They always do."

All I Can Think About is Food

Different from an obsession, my brain is "stuck" on food for comfort, energy, and fuel.   It serves me in these moments...  food will comfort me, it will give me energy, or it will help  me curl up and pout and be sad and lonely like I feel. 

Today I choose to stick with my valued directions.  I choose to be a role model.  I choose other projects over just stuffing my face.   I have this blog to work on!  I have work coupons to make!  I have emails to send and answer!  So many things to keep me busy.  And some fresh air would greatly help.  These are my valued directions - keeping my priorities in check, and not giving in to the lust of food.  It is, afterall, just a lust.

Sorta Kinda Good Bad

So tired (couldn't sleep/ got up early).  So anxious (making the trip downtown to watch the Marine Corps Marathon and making it back in time to catch Julie and Kevin on their way back up from Lynchburg). So frustrated (overate wraps, cheese and apples last night because that is all I had, and it didn't even taste good!).   At 5am I left the house and ventured downtown via Metro without eating, and because of that, I'm sure, I started to crave carbs at the race. As the morning dragged on (we're talking 5 am to 8am...), all I could think about was going home and stopping at the best breakfast place in town for some ginormous pancakes!  They make the best, and biggest, pancakes in town!  I tried to force myself to stay in the moment, to enjoy my friend's company and be excited with her, but thoughts of pancakes and home were winning in my mind.   My store experiences at both Trader Joes & Safeway (the two places I stopped on the way home) were much more intense struggles today. The desire to buy something comforting, delicious and "bad" versus the desire to be "good".  In the end, I bought mostly healthy food.  Safeway did not have the fruit salad bar or breakfast bar I had hoped, so I bought soda.  And at the Starbucks next to it, I used a gift card (yes I'm so cheap!) to buy the hummus/chicken/pita/vegetable plate.    At Trader Joes, I bought the groceries I needed for the week, along with dried crunchy green beans and edmame chips... so I don't feel completely guilty.  I did gaze at the pumpkin muffins and sea salt brownies for a while, and considered them, but never picked them up.  BFF Julie and her husband Kevin stopped through on their way home from a wedding in Lynchburg.  We decided to meet for food, since they would be hungry from the car ride, at Glory Days Grill.  I was not going to not get any food, maybe just a beer, and just drink shakes the rest of the day since I had already eaten plenty, but I must have been hungry because everything on the menu was tempting!  I settled on a salad, but the waiter took forever to take our order and I changed my mind into a turkey burger and sweet potato fries.   Turned out to be an excellent choice! But, then I wanted something sweet.   I thought about my choices: hitting up the frozen yogurt store on the way home, stopping at trader joes and buying some of the treats i resisted earlier, and stopping at the grocery store on the way home.   But i resisted all of the choices, primarily because I didn't want to spend the money, but also because I didn't want to make a rash decision.  [I know, who am I?]  So when I got home I curled up with everything chocolate I could find - a protein shake, protein peanut butter cups, and low sugar chocolate bar.   And then three hours later I ate more!!  I went to the Giant store next to my house, but couldn't even decide what I wanted.  Tried to go slow and be mindful and ended up with more single serving things, fruit, and even picked up some cheese that I needed, so I was definitely more mindful because I remembered to get that.  YAY!    I bought arctic zero ice cream (only 150 calories), single serving organic peanut butter cups, and mint chocolate cups, raspberries, and a turkey sandwich.   After I picked those items up I walked by the cakes, pies, and cookies but I didn't buy any!  I actually mixed the candy into the ice cream and it made a fairly satisfying treat!    So the question is, what is really going on? …..   I noticed I am really really tired from having a busy weekend.   Feeling a mixture of sadness, nostalgia, longing, probably due to seeing my friend today, and my friend last week, and talking a lot online to another friend in Albany.   I need to celebrate those relationships but also spend time with people here in Virginia.    As much as I regret eating a lot today, I do not feel as bad about my choices today.  The body needs nourishment.  Isn't that what food is for?

Heartbreak Binge

I can feel the urges ....  the thoughts of which foods would taste good to soothe my broken heart.  Well, it's not really broken, but I feel little stabs of sadness, and waves of disappointment over having such a great time with my friend this weekend, and realizing, knowing, that I told myself stories and very quickly became attached to the idea of him and that those ideas are not realistic. 

So anyway, which foods ease heartbreak?
Chocolate: the "go to" for many, myself included....chocolate candy, chocolate muffins, cookies, ice cream... you name it.   Ben & Jerry's - the kings of ice cream - make a chocolate and mint crunch type ice cream that is incredible.   

Bread: especially anything doughy.  When I lived in Albany, a local bakery called Mastroianni Bros made THE BEST rolls and bread.   I literally used to eat them Every. Day.  For the better part of a year, I ate an entire loaf of their bread every Saturday morning.  

Sweet and salty together: "kettle" type chips or popcorn is excellent for this craving. 

Sandwiches:  there is something unusually comforting about sandwiches.  Sheetz carries two "wrap" style sandwiches in it's pre-made section that I really like. 

Whether or not I choose to partake in any of these has yet to be determined.  I am REALLY enjoying fitting in my clothes again - holding steady at 156.    So I actually feel like I should just stick with what I've been eating.  I have plenty of healthy options to keep me full.  

Letter To My 13 Year Old Self

13 year old Beth , 

You're going to drive to Notre Dame with the Mikas and have a very memorable trip.  For some reason both you and Jennifer are reading a book about an anorexic girl and pick up the habits.   Jennifer is already smaller than you and will become full fledged anorexic very soon.  Please do not compare yourself to her.   Please do not adopt her habits.   Yes, you all eat a doughnut at the hotel breakfast during the trip.   And that should not be a major memory, nor an issue.   Remember the fun, the celebration, the beautiful weather and all the things that make Notre Dame unique!  

Despite being your closest friend through middle school, Jen will struggle with food, but you will never talk about it.    You will also struggle with food and never talk about it. 

Jen will eventually go for help to a treatment center in Atlanta during your freshmen year of high school.    Be prepared for your reality check and find a way to deal with this.   Yes, you'll have crew, and races, and new friends, and fun activities, but you'll still use food to control every anxiety. 

You will wish you had a way to ask for help, like Jen got, but you do not know how to describe the issue.  Find a way!  Stop hiding your food!   Stop denying your desire to control everything you eat!  

You are smart, beautiful, and fun.  Relax and enjoy life!  

Sincerely, 
36 year old Beth

The Reality

The reality is:   I am hiding from everyone because I don’t want them to see how fat I am.

The reality is:   I don’t want to talk to anyone until I feel good about myself or have things under control.

The reality is:   I feel ashamed that I can’t get in control, embarrassed that I allow it, guilty that I let others down by not holding myself to the same standard that I hold them to.  

The reality is:   I fear that I wont get control back.  I fear that it will spiral worse out of control and I’ll bust my pants.  I fear that people are talking about me behind my back.  I’m certain they are. I just don’t want to accept it

The reality is:   What if I had Confidence?   Wouldn't it be amazing to lose weight, have self control, feel good about myself, feel beautiful, and have others notice my beauty? 

The reality is:    I've been though this mental exercise before, I've gone over these same belief systems in my head and still not managed to remember it or apply it.  I don’t put enough emphasis on it?  I don’t truly believe it? Apparently not!