Really Depressed

I've been really depressed lately.  Not just a "I don't feel like doing anything today" kind of depressed, no, this is like, "I want to take ALL the pills in the closet because there is no hope" kind of depressed.  Scary, I know.   Thankfully, I know this is part of the disease and I've learned that if I don't take the pills and wait it out, it will get better.   yes, the sun will come out tomorrow.

Couple that with my "non residue" diet and I've allowed myself to eat carbs. Tons and tons of carbs.  I'm eating entire loaves of bread.  yes loaves.  I ate 6 muffins yesterday.   And two pints of ice cream. Real ice cream.  Soft and squishy foods are ok.  And guess what?  My stomach loves it.

I CRAVE vegetables and salad.  And that clean, healthy feeling from eating a huge satisfying salad.  Will I ever eat that again?    How will I ever feel healthy and eat "clean" with this disease?  

And with the depressed episodes it's just SO easy to eat crap

It's Not Just About How I Look

It's not just about how I look.  Sure, there is pressure from my job (self imposed!) to "look the part" of a trainer.  And these increasing images on Facebook of these super lean, ripped women are not helping the image!!  Even my bikini-model friends only look like that for an hour or two!!!

When I look at myself in the mirror with love and not judgement, I feel ok.  I look like a normal person.  When the judgement occurs and I compare my body to how it was just a few weeks ago, or to other peoples' bodies I feel bad, and HUGE.

The lesson there - see myself with LOVE!!!

And then, TREAT MYSELF WITH LOVE!!!


I let my emotions rule and they do NOT rule.

Things, I Mean Food, I'll Miss From NOVA

One of my clients asked me what I'll miss about NOVA, and all I could think of was all the food places I love.  So here's a list of all the food I will miss:

1.  Anita's Burritos  - cheap and declicious.  A good combo of comforting carbs, flavorful/ mildly spicy cheesy egg and potato filling.   For less than $2 each, I usually get 4. Or 5.  Or 6.  Thankfully, I've been eating them almost every day for the last few weeks, and I'm almost sick of them.

2. Expo Cafe - I'm sure there are other breakfast places that serve early breakfast, hot omelettes, french toast, pancakes, etc.  I'm sure there are other breakfast places that are less expensive.  And I'm sure there are other breakfast places that use less grease on their griddles!   But will it be next door?   That's one of the perks of this location - the Expo Cafe is literally in the building next to ours.... just a hop, skip and a jump away, which means fresh, hot food is just all too convenient.

3.  Sheetz.  So convenient.  So cheap.  So many fun snacks!!

One Way or Another, We're Going Back in Time

I had some crazy anxiety yesterday.... almost for no reason.  I thought maybe I was tired and needed rest, or am getting nervous about my trip, or changing meds, or something, and just felt anxious.   I even wondered aloud, "is the other shoe about to drop?".

And then, at the very end of the day, I got an email with some shocking news:  two former co workers from the gym I worked at previously have asked the owner of my studio if they can work with us (due to some drama at their current establishment).   The news threw me for a loop.     This news is upsetting because back in 2011/ 2012 we all basically got along - them, myself, and my current co worker (the one that doesn't speak to me since the hospital incident), and now.... well things are different and awkward.  So how will this affect how those guys treat me?   Will I be able to deal with being around the three of them conversing all day and not being included?   Can I continue to pretend this doesn't bother me?   I’m left out of conversations now - will it make that worse?   I feel like it's awkward for everyone – me, our clients, our other co workers – and while it doesn’t hurt as much anymore, it’s still just annoying to have to deal with.   It will be like stepping back in time, since it has been over a year that we all worked together.   On the other hand, , I've been fantasizing [ok romanticizing] about moving back to Albany... back to where people like me and respect me, despite how difficult it might be to start over.   It would be like stepping back in time, to some extent! Either way, the idea gave me incredible anxiety, and I ate everything I had on hand, instead of just writing and breathing I chewed.  I chewed and chewed and let the ideas spin in my head, until I was so tired I couldn't chew any more.  The other shoe has indeed dropped.

That's My Sheetz

I told him, jokingly, when he moved to South Riding, that the Sheetz on Rt 50 was "my" Sheetz and not to be seen there!   Joking, of course, but until now, I hadn't seen him there!

Of course, during a binge, my drive to Sheetz is urgent, tense, and filled with frustration to begin with, and pulling into the parking lot to see him pulling out only fueled my fire.  

I let it upset me.   In reality, it's like an annoying driver on the road.... you know, the ones that tail you despite the fact that the slow people are in front of you, or the ones that speed and zip in and out of lanes as if where they are going is so. much. more. important!  It's like that - irritating at the time, annoying enough to jog your memory in the next few hours, but can be shaken off.

I'm not sure he even saw me, and I kind of hope he did because this is all his problem and he needs to face it.  

It didn't change what I got:  2 sandwiches, trail mix, and the PB & Choc trail mix, which I ate every bite of and was completely sick 5 hours later. 

Remind me not to eat peanuts.  Never. ever. again. 

This Too Shall Pass

"Bad days are normal, they are part of life. We all have them. True freedom comes when you finally realize that a bad day doesn't mean you're 'doing it wrong' or that what you're doing isn't working. We get into trouble because we respond to bad days by making drastic changes in our routines. 

Consistency and balance are the true secrets to long term success, and jumping from diet to diet in reaction to a bad day undermines that goal. 

The bad day will pass. They always do."

Bitter tastes like.....

Bitter tastes like nothing, because I REFUSE to give in to this emotion of frustration and hurt that I feel lately.  

My co worker treats me as if I was dead.  Literally, he pretends I do not exist.  Fortunately I do not have to interact with him and we have just enough space that we can be in separate rooms during the day.  

And I know this is his issue, and that it is not healthy for him, and it's setting a horrible example for his child.   And it's showing me that these are his true colors and therefore he is NOT the person I thought he was.   I even overheard him mention doing this to someone else... pretending they didn't exist!  

He's only hurting himself, and setting a poor example for his child.  This is not ok behavior. Not in this situation where we have to be in the same room for a portion of the day.   Thankfully that is only a few hours, and the rest of the day is manageable.   

I went through a phase at first where it felt like being stabbed, and I really wanted reconciliation, so I tried. And I ate to numb that pain.  But now, I refuse to eat to numb the pain and ruin my personal goals.  The pain will eventually go away.

"You can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you.  All you can do is change how you react and who you choose to be around."

Breakfast

Me, ordering breakfast this morning:  "Hi, I would like to order a sad platter, with a side of frustration, a side of anger, and a cup of tears."

Expo Cafe lady:  "You mean a fruit salad?"

Me:  "oh, right!"

My favorite breakfast makes everything better.   Unfortunately I think this funk is hormonal (i.e. there's nothing I can really do about it), because I don't have any major circumstances to be sad about.... well, nothing more than the usual longings.   My omelette, hash browns, pancakes, and french toast tasted like sweet comfort!   Heavy and sitting in my stomach, it definitely doesn't support my goals or values.  But it tasted good and I need as many outlets for my mood as possible. 

So I have a feeling today will be full of journaling, of sitting still, and eating.  And with any hope, tomorrow will be better. 

All I Can Think About is Food

Different from an obsession, my brain is "stuck" on food for comfort, energy, and fuel.   It serves me in these moments...  food will comfort me, it will give me energy, or it will help  me curl up and pout and be sad and lonely like I feel. 

Today I choose to stick with my valued directions.  I choose to be a role model.  I choose other projects over just stuffing my face.   I have this blog to work on!  I have work coupons to make!  I have emails to send and answer!  So many things to keep me busy.  And some fresh air would greatly help.  These are my valued directions - keeping my priorities in check, and not giving in to the lust of food.  It is, afterall, just a lust.

Halloween Candy

Oh how I hate you, Halloween!  You and your plethora of candy!!   Candy corn, candy pumpkins, miniature sized snickers, milky ways, and just about any candy out there is FRONT AND CENTER at every store.  

In giant bags.  No, in GINORMOUS bags.

Costco apparently had the Biggest Bag Of Them All, because that is what my roommate bought, and I found out later that most people also bought their candy at Costco.
   
Which is fine, except we only used one bag for the kiddos, and we had an entire bag leftover.   

I resisted on the actual day of Halloween.  I had myself a beer [pumpkin ale of course], as a treat, and resisted the candy.

I felt really good about that.  Until Friday night.... I knew the rest of the bag was outside my door.... literally a huge, huge, huge bag full of all the best chocolate candy, was right outside my door.  

So I caved.  I succumbed and stuffed by face with as many peanut butter cups, kit kats, m&m's, peanut m&m's, nestle crunch bars, and milky ways as I could manage. 

I immediately felt guilty.  I worked out extra hard the following day.  And stuffed my face again Sunday.

Thankfully a friend stopped by Sunday morning and took the remainder of the candy away.   But I kept thinking about it.   Not that it felt good to eat that much, or even tasted special (we all know what chocolate and sugar taste like), but it was rebellious and "bad" and that felt good. 

But it's over now.... 'til next year, Mr. Pumpkin! 

Another's View

Thought I'd share this beautifully written essay on negative body image.  Some people just have a beautiful way with words, and Lynn Shattuk is one!

"If you have ever hated your body, you might recognize this voice.

It sounds like this, when I am on a run, feeling tired and a little dizzy: Keep running, it burns more calories. You’re flabby. What are we going to eat for lunch? You should just eat mostly vegetables. Remember how skinny you got when you were on that elimination diet after your son was born? Ugh, she has big boobs. Why are my boobs the first place I lose weight and the last place I gain? I really need to lose about seven pounds. My ass is giving itself whiplash.

It still pipes up at mealtime sometimes.

At the gym, it hollers.

When the voice hisses, I miss so much. I miss the crunch of leaves beneath my feet and the bare tree limbs stretching towards the sun. I miss the taste of warm, sweet coffee swirling in my mouth. One day, the voice appeared when I was weighing myself at my parents’ house, and for a moment, in humid anticipation of what the scale would say, I forgot about my infant daughter, sitting at my feet on the bathroom floor.

To look at me, you might not know I have this voice. I am not overweight, nor am I rail thin. But the disease that encompassing self-loathing, food addiction and obsession, and body and weight obsession doesn’t always show up on our bodies. It largely exists somewhere you can’t see, in our minds.

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot circulating on the internet about women and body image. From the Maria Kang “What’s Your Excuse?” controversy to Lily Myer’s stunning poetry, from Glennon Melton Doyle’s honest, lovely words toBrittney Gibbons’ excellent TED talk. From the stories and from the reactions to them, I think it’s safe to say that far, far too many of us live with this voice.

For me, the voice was born a long time ago. When I was in fourth grade and the nurse sent home an alarmed note because I’d gained nine pounds during the school year. It was handed down through generations of mothers and daughters in my family, a dark spiral of DNA. It grew when a babysitter told me not to drink too much milk because milk makes you fat. When I lost a bit of weight in fifth grade and a friend’s mom told me how great I looked. In sixth grade when I got hips but not boobs. When I learned to overeat to snuff out the swirling panic in my head. It blossomed every time I heard a woman say she needed to lose a few pounds or exercise more or not eat fat or carbs or fruit or sweets. When stupid boys made stupid comments about my body. When I saw every glossy, skinny magazine girl who seemed to blare: I am so happy because I am thin and beautiful! If you were thin and beautiful, you’d be so happy, too! 

At times, the voice was so loud that I heard almost nothing else.

I am almost 40 now. The voice is quieter, but it still lurks. I have used therapy and EMDR and twelve-step programs to fight it. My body has made two gorgeous, healthy babies and birthed and fed them, and that helps. Yoga and running usually help. Sometimes, telling the voice to shut the holy eff up helps.

I don’t let the voice speak through my mouth like it used to. No words slip out when I look in the full-length mirror and am unhappy; the thoughts just roll around in my head for a few minutes like spilled marbles before settling. We don’t have a scale at home; I got tired of it telling me how to feel.

These things help deflate the voice.

But it’s still there. It still takes up too much energy. Energy that I could use to write and love and soften.

The voice almost always distances me from other people, especially other women. It makes my heart shrivel and my thoughts turn catty. The voice slices and dices, segmenting body parts like cuts of juicy meat. The voice objectifies and minimizes. It dehumanizes.

Why is it so hard to fight this voice? To eradicate it completely?

Is it because it started when I was so young? Because every magazine or advertisement or television show I see feeds it?

I think so. But I think it’s also because the voice is fear.

It sounds like a critic, a strong, OZ-like presence, the voice of a director or a stern parent.

But when I peer underneath, it is pure fear. Vaporous, chameleon fear.

Fear that I am wrong and unworthy. Fear of being present and soaking up all the loss and light of being human. Fear of my own sheen, my capabilities, my possibilities. And maybe, maybe beneath all that, the fear believes—in a childlike way, because it was born in a child—that if I just looked a certain way, if I just weighed a certain number, I would always be loved and never sad and I would never, ever die.

We use our phones and toys, booze and cake, telveisions and computers, and our critical voices to wrestle out of the present. From being openhearted and brokenhearted to the world, to each other, to our mortality.

Part of the antidote to the voice, for me, is to remember what my body has done—loved and laughed, birthed and breastfed.

And to remember what it will do—get older.

Die.

When I remember that, I soften. I cry, which lets some of the fear seep out, pooling and flattening.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want my body to not be here. But no matter whether I can feel my flesh creasing my jeans or not, no matter how many wrinkles I do or don’t get, whether I can sense the gaze of men upon me as they walk past or not—I will die. Whether my soul lifts out of my body like a balloon rising into the sky, morphing and surviving—or not— my body will die.

When I remember this, it is impossible not to melt with gratitude. For my legs that can still walk and my fingers that can still touch my babies’ cheeks. For my eyes that can watch sunlight stride across the earth. For my crazy, anxious brain that takes it all in, making me human.

When I remember this, I want to use this body all up. This perfectly imperfect skin and heart and bones. I want to run and roll in leaves and do all the things women do in feminine hygiene commercials. Maybe more than anything, I want to be present to watch my kids become people out in the world, loving themselves and their bodies and others. I want to watch them working and wondering and becoming who they were born to be while I become who I was born to be.

When I blanket the fear with gratitude, I can see how very, very small it is. When I remember that the voice is a fearful child, I begin to learn to cradle it, to talk softly to it. To tell it, like I tell my son, that yes, we die, and it’s frightening.

But first? We get to live this fierce, wide, wrenching life. In these scarred, scared, shining bodies. These skin and stardust, temporary bodies.

If you have ever hated your body, and if you still hear this voice sometimes like I do, or all the time like I used to, this is what I hope for us:

That the voice shrinks and shrinks, until we find ourselves holding it in our palms like a husk, like a whisper. That our critic’s eyes soften and our hearts widen and we understand more and more how little this all matters: the numbers on the scale, the way the landscape of our skin curves beneath our clothing, the fleeting, narrow flash of beauty in the magazines.

That gratitude sprouts green like grass as everything blends and blurs together, until there is nothing left but love."

"Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind."

Dr Seuss was brilliant. 

As I go through this unique period of time of losing those closest to me - not by accident, but through poor choices (I guess?) - it is becoming glaringly clear how much people who matter don't mind, and how people who mind don't matter. 

Those who have been supportive / non judgemental / who don't mind have been a huge blessing.   Whereas those who have not, those who apparently do not matter, have been stressful to be around.  And what cures stress?!    Heck yeah - comfort food.   AND it's halloween time.   So candy:  "Candy, candy corn, candy canes, and syrup!"

Sorta Kinda Good Bad

So tired (couldn't sleep/ got up early).  So anxious (making the trip downtown to watch the Marine Corps Marathon and making it back in time to catch Julie and Kevin on their way back up from Lynchburg). So frustrated (overate wraps, cheese and apples last night because that is all I had, and it didn't even taste good!).   At 5am I left the house and ventured downtown via Metro without eating, and because of that, I'm sure, I started to crave carbs at the race. As the morning dragged on (we're talking 5 am to 8am...), all I could think about was going home and stopping at the best breakfast place in town for some ginormous pancakes!  They make the best, and biggest, pancakes in town!  I tried to force myself to stay in the moment, to enjoy my friend's company and be excited with her, but thoughts of pancakes and home were winning in my mind.   My store experiences at both Trader Joes & Safeway (the two places I stopped on the way home) were much more intense struggles today. The desire to buy something comforting, delicious and "bad" versus the desire to be "good".  In the end, I bought mostly healthy food.  Safeway did not have the fruit salad bar or breakfast bar I had hoped, so I bought soda.  And at the Starbucks next to it, I used a gift card (yes I'm so cheap!) to buy the hummus/chicken/pita/vegetable plate.    At Trader Joes, I bought the groceries I needed for the week, along with dried crunchy green beans and edmame chips... so I don't feel completely guilty.  I did gaze at the pumpkin muffins and sea salt brownies for a while, and considered them, but never picked them up.  BFF Julie and her husband Kevin stopped through on their way home from a wedding in Lynchburg.  We decided to meet for food, since they would be hungry from the car ride, at Glory Days Grill.  I was not going to not get any food, maybe just a beer, and just drink shakes the rest of the day since I had already eaten plenty, but I must have been hungry because everything on the menu was tempting!  I settled on a salad, but the waiter took forever to take our order and I changed my mind into a turkey burger and sweet potato fries.   Turned out to be an excellent choice! But, then I wanted something sweet.   I thought about my choices: hitting up the frozen yogurt store on the way home, stopping at trader joes and buying some of the treats i resisted earlier, and stopping at the grocery store on the way home.   But i resisted all of the choices, primarily because I didn't want to spend the money, but also because I didn't want to make a rash decision.  [I know, who am I?]  So when I got home I curled up with everything chocolate I could find - a protein shake, protein peanut butter cups, and low sugar chocolate bar.   And then three hours later I ate more!!  I went to the Giant store next to my house, but couldn't even decide what I wanted.  Tried to go slow and be mindful and ended up with more single serving things, fruit, and even picked up some cheese that I needed, so I was definitely more mindful because I remembered to get that.  YAY!    I bought arctic zero ice cream (only 150 calories), single serving organic peanut butter cups, and mint chocolate cups, raspberries, and a turkey sandwich.   After I picked those items up I walked by the cakes, pies, and cookies but I didn't buy any!  I actually mixed the candy into the ice cream and it made a fairly satisfying treat!    So the question is, what is really going on? …..   I noticed I am really really tired from having a busy weekend.   Feeling a mixture of sadness, nostalgia, longing, probably due to seeing my friend today, and my friend last week, and talking a lot online to another friend in Albany.   I need to celebrate those relationships but also spend time with people here in Virginia.    As much as I regret eating a lot today, I do not feel as bad about my choices today.  The body needs nourishment.  Isn't that what food is for?

Heartbreak Binge

I can feel the urges ....  the thoughts of which foods would taste good to soothe my broken heart.  Well, it's not really broken, but I feel little stabs of sadness, and waves of disappointment over having such a great time with my friend this weekend, and realizing, knowing, that I told myself stories and very quickly became attached to the idea of him and that those ideas are not realistic. 

So anyway, which foods ease heartbreak?
Chocolate: the "go to" for many, myself included....chocolate candy, chocolate muffins, cookies, ice cream... you name it.   Ben & Jerry's - the kings of ice cream - make a chocolate and mint crunch type ice cream that is incredible.   

Bread: especially anything doughy.  When I lived in Albany, a local bakery called Mastroianni Bros made THE BEST rolls and bread.   I literally used to eat them Every. Day.  For the better part of a year, I ate an entire loaf of their bread every Saturday morning.  

Sweet and salty together: "kettle" type chips or popcorn is excellent for this craving. 

Sandwiches:  there is something unusually comforting about sandwiches.  Sheetz carries two "wrap" style sandwiches in it's pre-made section that I really like. 

Whether or not I choose to partake in any of these has yet to be determined.  I am REALLY enjoying fitting in my clothes again - holding steady at 156.    So I actually feel like I should just stick with what I've been eating.  I have plenty of healthy options to keep me full.  

Calorie Counter

Not sure this is something to brag about, but I know the calorie count of just about every food.  I can estimate it in my head.  Why?  Because I've been counting calories since middle school.   Without thinking, I know that a serving of Cheerios is 3/4 of a cup and approximately 100 calories.   I know that a medium apple and a medium banana are both about 100 calories, and that blackberries have the least amount of sugar.   

Now that I'm 36 years old (!), it saddens me to think I have been counting calories since I was 14.   It saddens me to think 14 year old girls today worry about their calories just as I did at that age.  

This "skill", if you will, actually comes in handy with my clients. I can scan their food diaries and quickly estimate calories.   Of course, today, databases such as "My Fitness Pal" are full of (fairly) accurate nutritional statistics and my educational guesses are pretty much useless.  

I think this skill works against me sometimes when I am feeling rebellious - tired of counting calories and eating clean - I know that there are over 1000 calories in a burrito from Chipotle or Moe's so I'll get one to rebel against myself.  A box of bakery cookies @ 200+ calories each?  I'm a "bad" girl.  This also serves to confirm that I cannot be trusted with food.   

Comfort Food

Today is another fat day.   I've never been this big, this wide, or this heavy.  I can’t stop eating -  I just want comfort…….  Why?   Because I hurt.  Losing my friends hurts my heart.  It’s getting easier, in general, but I still feel a stab of pain when I see their activity on Facebook, or have a memory of one of them.   The meditation will help, but it’s much easier to just eat.  And frankly, there is a rush, a bit of an adrenaline rush, that comes with “cheating” and eating “bad” food.

Plus, my chest cold remains in my chest and has managed to travel to my head, so I’m still sick, and that is not helping my motivation to do anything.   Nor is the rain…. Or, more like torrential downpours.

Today I bought what I wanted yesterday – Pancakes and French toast with scrambled eggs, sausage, and bacon from Expo Café… ( this amazing “breakfast / lunch only” café located in the building next to ours ).