One Way or Another, We're Going Back in Time

I had some crazy anxiety yesterday.... almost for no reason.  I thought maybe I was tired and needed rest, or am getting nervous about my trip, or changing meds, or something, and just felt anxious.   I even wondered aloud, "is the other shoe about to drop?".

And then, at the very end of the day, I got an email with some shocking news:  two former co workers from the gym I worked at previously have asked the owner of my studio if they can work with us (due to some drama at their current establishment).   The news threw me for a loop.     This news is upsetting because back in 2011/ 2012 we all basically got along - them, myself, and my current co worker (the one that doesn't speak to me since the hospital incident), and now.... well things are different and awkward.  So how will this affect how those guys treat me?   Will I be able to deal with being around the three of them conversing all day and not being included?   Can I continue to pretend this doesn't bother me?   I’m left out of conversations now - will it make that worse?   I feel like it's awkward for everyone – me, our clients, our other co workers – and while it doesn’t hurt as much anymore, it’s still just annoying to have to deal with.   It will be like stepping back in time, since it has been over a year that we all worked together.   On the other hand, , I've been fantasizing [ok romanticizing] about moving back to Albany... back to where people like me and respect me, despite how difficult it might be to start over.   It would be like stepping back in time, to some extent! Either way, the idea gave me incredible anxiety, and I ate everything I had on hand, instead of just writing and breathing I chewed.  I chewed and chewed and let the ideas spin in my head, until I was so tired I couldn't chew any more.  The other shoe has indeed dropped.

That's My Sheetz

I told him, jokingly, when he moved to South Riding, that the Sheetz on Rt 50 was "my" Sheetz and not to be seen there!   Joking, of course, but until now, I hadn't seen him there!

Of course, during a binge, my drive to Sheetz is urgent, tense, and filled with frustration to begin with, and pulling into the parking lot to see him pulling out only fueled my fire.  

I let it upset me.   In reality, it's like an annoying driver on the road.... you know, the ones that tail you despite the fact that the slow people are in front of you, or the ones that speed and zip in and out of lanes as if where they are going is so. much. more. important!  It's like that - irritating at the time, annoying enough to jog your memory in the next few hours, but can be shaken off.

I'm not sure he even saw me, and I kind of hope he did because this is all his problem and he needs to face it.  

It didn't change what I got:  2 sandwiches, trail mix, and the PB & Choc trail mix, which I ate every bite of and was completely sick 5 hours later. 

Remind me not to eat peanuts.  Never. ever. again. 

Comfort Food

Today is another fat day.   I've never been this big, this wide, or this heavy.  I can’t stop eating -  I just want comfort…….  Why?   Because I hurt.  Losing my friends hurts my heart.  It’s getting easier, in general, but I still feel a stab of pain when I see their activity on Facebook, or have a memory of one of them.   The meditation will help, but it’s much easier to just eat.  And frankly, there is a rush, a bit of an adrenaline rush, that comes with “cheating” and eating “bad” food.

Plus, my chest cold remains in my chest and has managed to travel to my head, so I’m still sick, and that is not helping my motivation to do anything.   Nor is the rain…. Or, more like torrential downpours.

Today I bought what I wanted yesterday – Pancakes and French toast with scrambled eggs, sausage, and bacon from Expo Café… ( this amazing “breakfast / lunch only” café located in the building next to ours ).