Comfort Food

Today is another fat day.   I've never been this big, this wide, or this heavy.  I can’t stop eating -  I just want comfort…….  Why?   Because I hurt.  Losing my friends hurts my heart.  It’s getting easier, in general, but I still feel a stab of pain when I see their activity on Facebook, or have a memory of one of them.   The meditation will help, but it’s much easier to just eat.  And frankly, there is a rush, a bit of an adrenaline rush, that comes with “cheating” and eating “bad” food.

Plus, my chest cold remains in my chest and has managed to travel to my head, so I’m still sick, and that is not helping my motivation to do anything.   Nor is the rain…. Or, more like torrential downpours.

Today I bought what I wanted yesterday – Pancakes and French toast with scrambled eggs, sausage, and bacon from Expo Café… ( this amazing “breakfast / lunch only” café located in the building next to ours ). 

Letter To My 13 Year Old Self

13 year old Beth , 

You're going to drive to Notre Dame with the Mikas and have a very memorable trip.  For some reason both you and Jennifer are reading a book about an anorexic girl and pick up the habits.   Jennifer is already smaller than you and will become full fledged anorexic very soon.  Please do not compare yourself to her.   Please do not adopt her habits.   Yes, you all eat a doughnut at the hotel breakfast during the trip.   And that should not be a major memory, nor an issue.   Remember the fun, the celebration, the beautiful weather and all the things that make Notre Dame unique!  

Despite being your closest friend through middle school, Jen will struggle with food, but you will never talk about it.    You will also struggle with food and never talk about it. 

Jen will eventually go for help to a treatment center in Atlanta during your freshmen year of high school.    Be prepared for your reality check and find a way to deal with this.   Yes, you'll have crew, and races, and new friends, and fun activities, but you'll still use food to control every anxiety. 

You will wish you had a way to ask for help, like Jen got, but you do not know how to describe the issue.  Find a way!  Stop hiding your food!   Stop denying your desire to control everything you eat!  

You are smart, beautiful, and fun.  Relax and enjoy life!  

Sincerely, 
36 year old Beth

Television Can Be More Than Just Mind Candy........

I recognize television's entertainment value, and I recognize we are not supposed to take the shows seriously, but, sometimes, characters on a television show say something that will resonate with me and open my eyes. And I see things about myself that add to my practice of self awareness...   

For instance, on the HBO series, "The Newsroom", Sloan says to Don, "...somewhere along the way, someone told you that you were a bad guy, so you’re trying to do what a good guy would do…"

And I think I do that…….  A few times along the way (this path we call life) I've been told I’m a bad girl… Sometimes by B telling me all of my shortcomings and mistakes, sometimes by other people such as previous boyfriends pointing out my flaws, and I take it to heart and begin to believe that I’m not worthy because of all these flaws.   Inside I believe these things are true.    And so I imagine what a “good” girl would do, or what I would do if I was "perfect"  [that is in quotes because there is no such thing as "perfect"] such as being less moody, eating clean all the time, etc.  But, [because I'm human] well, I will never achieve this illusive "good girl" status, or be "perfect", so feelings of failure take over.  

I think that is a lot of what leads me to eat - not just the sense of failure but the belief that I cannot be trusted with food.  It's a hopelessness.... inside I say to myself, "well I might as well just eat more then".    

So as much as television is "mind candy", it can aid in self awareness!   

The Reality

The reality is:   I am hiding from everyone because I don’t want them to see how fat I am.

The reality is:   I don’t want to talk to anyone until I feel good about myself or have things under control.

The reality is:   I feel ashamed that I can’t get in control, embarrassed that I allow it, guilty that I let others down by not holding myself to the same standard that I hold them to.  

The reality is:   I fear that I wont get control back.  I fear that it will spiral worse out of control and I’ll bust my pants.  I fear that people are talking about me behind my back.  I’m certain they are. I just don’t want to accept it

The reality is:   What if I had Confidence?   Wouldn't it be amazing to lose weight, have self control, feel good about myself, feel beautiful, and have others notice my beauty? 

The reality is:    I've been though this mental exercise before, I've gone over these same belief systems in my head and still not managed to remember it or apply it.  I don’t put enough emphasis on it?  I don’t truly believe it? Apparently not!