I told him, jokingly, when he moved to South Riding, that the Sheetz on Rt 50 was "my" Sheetz and not to be seen there! Joking, of course, but until now, I hadn't seen him there!
Of course, during a binge, my drive to Sheetz is urgent, tense, and filled with frustration to begin with, and pulling into the parking lot to see him pulling out only fueled my fire.
I let it upset me. In reality, it's like an annoying driver on the road.... you know, the ones that tail you despite the fact that the slow people are in front of you, or the ones that speed and zip in and out of lanes as if where they are going is so. much. more. important! It's like that - irritating at the time, annoying enough to jog your memory in the next few hours, but can be shaken off.
I'm not sure he even saw me, and I kind of hope he did because this is all his problem and he needs to face it.
It didn't change what I got: 2 sandwiches, trail mix, and the PB & Choc trail mix, which I ate every bite of and was completely sick 5 hours later.
Remind me not to eat peanuts. Never. ever. again.
Working in a gym setting for the last 5 years, I have overheard many many comments about how people (mostly women, but a surprising number of men) feel bad about their bodies. We are our harshest critics, of course, but then there's actual dysmorphia.
I hear skinny skinny women complain about feeling "puffy", when in reality they are dehydrated and the rest of us can only see muscle and bones on them. I hear toned women complain about flabby thighs, butts, and (the dreaded) "back fat" when most women would give anything for their toned figure. I hear fit older women complain about a small belly and "bat wings" ( i.e. flabby triceps) when they are actually in fantastic shape for their age and have no reason to complain when they should be thankful for their health.
It's whats known as body dysmorphia, and the degree and intensity of it varies by person and their self esteem and self image. The Mayo Clinic describes it: "Body dysmorphic disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw in your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don't want to be seen by anyone."
I've had it. It comes and goes. But I do my best to keep a positive self image and not let the negative thoughts "stick".
"Bad days are normal, they are part of life. We all have them. True freedom comes when you finally realize that a bad day doesn't mean you're 'doing it wrong' or that what you're doing isn't working. We get into trouble because we respond to bad days by making drastic changes in our routines. Consistency and balance are the true secrets to long term success, and jumping from diet to diet in reaction to a bad day undermines that goal. The bad day will pass. They always do."
Yes, Mr McDonald's order taker, I said two. Two big breakfasts with hotcakes.
That's not what I said, of course, I just said "yes" to confirm, because I know he was just confirming the order - that's his job. But I felt as if he was asking "Beth, do you really need 2? Do you really need 1? Is this what you really want?" because that's what I was fighting inside. I know I didn't want 2, I know I didn't even want 1. But Expo Cafe was closed (!) and for some reason my body is very "off" this AM. It is probably due to my going to bed at 6pm after overeating and drinking 2 beers which I never do!
I also did not workout yesterday which usually makes me feel guilty -> shame -> eat to feel better -> can't be trusted with food -> eat in desperation.
So yes, I choked down two (2) big breakfasts from Mc Donald's. They are kinda gross, actually. And I still have a headache.
But what if today I work on accepting myself as I am. Doesn't matter what I eat or what I do or what I look like. I may feel gross and fat inside, but what if that's ok? What if I just accept that and be ME?!
Bitter tastes like nothing, because I REFUSE to give in to this emotion of frustration and hurt that I feel lately.
My co worker treats me as if I was dead. Literally, he pretends I do not exist. Fortunately I do not have to interact with him and we have just enough space that we can be in separate rooms during the day.
And I know this is his issue, and that it is not healthy for him, and it's setting a horrible example for his child. And it's showing me that these are his true colors and therefore he is NOT the person I thought he was. I even overheard him mention doing this to someone else... pretending they didn't exist!
He's only hurting himself, and setting a poor example for his child. This is not ok behavior. Not in this situation where we have to be in the same room for a portion of the day. Thankfully that is only a few hours, and the rest of the day is manageable.
I went through a phase at first where it felt like being stabbed, and I really wanted reconciliation, so I tried. And I ate to numb that pain. But now, I refuse to eat to numb the pain and ruin my personal goals. The pain will eventually go away.
"You can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react and who you choose to be around."
Me, ordering breakfast this morning: "Hi, I would like to order a sad platter, with a side of frustration, a side of anger, and a cup of tears."
Expo Cafe lady: "You mean a fruit salad?"
Me: "oh, right!"
My favorite breakfast makes everything better. Unfortunately I think this funk is hormonal (i.e. there's nothing I can really do about it), because I don't have any major circumstances to be sad about.... well, nothing more than the usual longings. My omelette, hash browns, pancakes, and french toast tasted like sweet comfort! Heavy and sitting in my stomach, it definitely doesn't support my goals or values. But it tasted good and I need as many outlets for my mood as possible.
So I have a feeling today will be full of journaling, of sitting still, and eating. And with any hope, tomorrow will be better.
Different from an obsession, my brain is "stuck" on food for comfort, energy, and fuel. It serves me in these moments... food will comfort me, it will give me energy, or it will help me curl up and pout and be sad and lonely like I feel.
Today I choose to stick with my valued directions. I choose to be a role model. I choose other projects over just stuffing my face. I have this blog to work on! I have work coupons to make! I have emails to send and answer! So many things to keep me busy. And some fresh air would greatly help. These are my valued directions - keeping my priorities in check, and not giving in to the lust of food. It is, afterall, just a lust.
