Sorta Kinda Good Bad

So tired (couldn't sleep/ got up early).  So anxious (making the trip downtown to watch the Marine Corps Marathon and making it back in time to catch Julie and Kevin on their way back up from Lynchburg). So frustrated (overate wraps, cheese and apples last night because that is all I had, and it didn't even taste good!).   At 5am I left the house and ventured downtown via Metro without eating, and because of that, I'm sure, I started to crave carbs at the race. As the morning dragged on (we're talking 5 am to 8am...), all I could think about was going home and stopping at the best breakfast place in town for some ginormous pancakes!  They make the best, and biggest, pancakes in town!  I tried to force myself to stay in the moment, to enjoy my friend's company and be excited with her, but thoughts of pancakes and home were winning in my mind.   My store experiences at both Trader Joes & Safeway (the two places I stopped on the way home) were much more intense struggles today. The desire to buy something comforting, delicious and "bad" versus the desire to be "good".  In the end, I bought mostly healthy food.  Safeway did not have the fruit salad bar or breakfast bar I had hoped, so I bought soda.  And at the Starbucks next to it, I used a gift card (yes I'm so cheap!) to buy the hummus/chicken/pita/vegetable plate.    At Trader Joes, I bought the groceries I needed for the week, along with dried crunchy green beans and edmame chips... so I don't feel completely guilty.  I did gaze at the pumpkin muffins and sea salt brownies for a while, and considered them, but never picked them up.  BFF Julie and her husband Kevin stopped through on their way home from a wedding in Lynchburg.  We decided to meet for food, since they would be hungry from the car ride, at Glory Days Grill.  I was not going to not get any food, maybe just a beer, and just drink shakes the rest of the day since I had already eaten plenty, but I must have been hungry because everything on the menu was tempting!  I settled on a salad, but the waiter took forever to take our order and I changed my mind into a turkey burger and sweet potato fries.   Turned out to be an excellent choice! But, then I wanted something sweet.   I thought about my choices: hitting up the frozen yogurt store on the way home, stopping at trader joes and buying some of the treats i resisted earlier, and stopping at the grocery store on the way home.   But i resisted all of the choices, primarily because I didn't want to spend the money, but also because I didn't want to make a rash decision.  [I know, who am I?]  So when I got home I curled up with everything chocolate I could find - a protein shake, protein peanut butter cups, and low sugar chocolate bar.   And then three hours later I ate more!!  I went to the Giant store next to my house, but couldn't even decide what I wanted.  Tried to go slow and be mindful and ended up with more single serving things, fruit, and even picked up some cheese that I needed, so I was definitely more mindful because I remembered to get that.  YAY!    I bought arctic zero ice cream (only 150 calories), single serving organic peanut butter cups, and mint chocolate cups, raspberries, and a turkey sandwich.   After I picked those items up I walked by the cakes, pies, and cookies but I didn't buy any!  I actually mixed the candy into the ice cream and it made a fairly satisfying treat!    So the question is, what is really going on? …..   I noticed I am really really tired from having a busy weekend.   Feeling a mixture of sadness, nostalgia, longing, probably due to seeing my friend today, and my friend last week, and talking a lot online to another friend in Albany.   I need to celebrate those relationships but also spend time with people here in Virginia.    As much as I regret eating a lot today, I do not feel as bad about my choices today.  The body needs nourishment.  Isn't that what food is for?