Thursday Obsessions

1. Braids

My hair is finally long enough to put in a french braid!!   My skills have deteriorated over the years [a lot!], but I've been practicing and they are getting better!   I feel very pretty when my hair is braided!

2. Trader Joe's

This store is just the bomb!  So many healthy products!  It's small and easy to get around.  Never completely crowded.  Checkouts are reasonably fast.   And I almost always find something healthy I hadn't seen before.  (Except today, I wasn't looking enough, I was just hurrying through). 

3. Lists

When I feel overwhelmed, I make lists.  I cannot make enough lists.   I have a master list, a list for the day, a list for tomorrow, a food list, a "Target" list, a list of clients to contact, a list of long term projects, and sometimes a list of exercises that come to mind I want to use.   Do they help keep me organized?   Yes, I like to think so. 

4. Trader Joe's Reduced Guilt Chunky Guacamole

I found this a few weeks ago and it is A - mazing!  And reduced guilt because it is made with Greek yogurt, it is low in calories and has actual chunks of avocado and tomatoes.   Apparently when it first came out, years ago, they couldn't keep it on the shelves!  But lucky for me, I'm years behind (of course) and there's plenty!  Now, I just have to stop eating all of it at once!   Last night I only ate half of the container, and the rest is for tonight, so that's progress!  

"Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind."

Dr Seuss was brilliant. 

As I go through this unique period of time of losing those closest to me - not by accident, but through poor choices (I guess?) - it is becoming glaringly clear how much people who matter don't mind, and how people who mind don't matter. 

Those who have been supportive / non judgemental / who don't mind have been a huge blessing.   Whereas those who have not, those who apparently do not matter, have been stressful to be around.  And what cures stress?!    Heck yeah - comfort food.   AND it's halloween time.   So candy:  "Candy, candy corn, candy canes, and syrup!"

Sorta Kinda Good Bad

So tired (couldn't sleep/ got up early).  So anxious (making the trip downtown to watch the Marine Corps Marathon and making it back in time to catch Julie and Kevin on their way back up from Lynchburg). So frustrated (overate wraps, cheese and apples last night because that is all I had, and it didn't even taste good!).   At 5am I left the house and ventured downtown via Metro without eating, and because of that, I'm sure, I started to crave carbs at the race. As the morning dragged on (we're talking 5 am to 8am...), all I could think about was going home and stopping at the best breakfast place in town for some ginormous pancakes!  They make the best, and biggest, pancakes in town!  I tried to force myself to stay in the moment, to enjoy my friend's company and be excited with her, but thoughts of pancakes and home were winning in my mind.   My store experiences at both Trader Joes & Safeway (the two places I stopped on the way home) were much more intense struggles today. The desire to buy something comforting, delicious and "bad" versus the desire to be "good".  In the end, I bought mostly healthy food.  Safeway did not have the fruit salad bar or breakfast bar I had hoped, so I bought soda.  And at the Starbucks next to it, I used a gift card (yes I'm so cheap!) to buy the hummus/chicken/pita/vegetable plate.    At Trader Joes, I bought the groceries I needed for the week, along with dried crunchy green beans and edmame chips... so I don't feel completely guilty.  I did gaze at the pumpkin muffins and sea salt brownies for a while, and considered them, but never picked them up.  BFF Julie and her husband Kevin stopped through on their way home from a wedding in Lynchburg.  We decided to meet for food, since they would be hungry from the car ride, at Glory Days Grill.  I was not going to not get any food, maybe just a beer, and just drink shakes the rest of the day since I had already eaten plenty, but I must have been hungry because everything on the menu was tempting!  I settled on a salad, but the waiter took forever to take our order and I changed my mind into a turkey burger and sweet potato fries.   Turned out to be an excellent choice! But, then I wanted something sweet.   I thought about my choices: hitting up the frozen yogurt store on the way home, stopping at trader joes and buying some of the treats i resisted earlier, and stopping at the grocery store on the way home.   But i resisted all of the choices, primarily because I didn't want to spend the money, but also because I didn't want to make a rash decision.  [I know, who am I?]  So when I got home I curled up with everything chocolate I could find - a protein shake, protein peanut butter cups, and low sugar chocolate bar.   And then three hours later I ate more!!  I went to the Giant store next to my house, but couldn't even decide what I wanted.  Tried to go slow and be mindful and ended up with more single serving things, fruit, and even picked up some cheese that I needed, so I was definitely more mindful because I remembered to get that.  YAY!    I bought arctic zero ice cream (only 150 calories), single serving organic peanut butter cups, and mint chocolate cups, raspberries, and a turkey sandwich.   After I picked those items up I walked by the cakes, pies, and cookies but I didn't buy any!  I actually mixed the candy into the ice cream and it made a fairly satisfying treat!    So the question is, what is really going on? …..   I noticed I am really really tired from having a busy weekend.   Feeling a mixture of sadness, nostalgia, longing, probably due to seeing my friend today, and my friend last week, and talking a lot online to another friend in Albany.   I need to celebrate those relationships but also spend time with people here in Virginia.    As much as I regret eating a lot today, I do not feel as bad about my choices today.  The body needs nourishment.  Isn't that what food is for?

Borrrr-inngggg!

Wow when I eat clean there isn't as much to talk about!  It's fairly boring:  shakes, shakes and more shakes.  These little EAS low carb shakes that have about 100 calories each actually get me through until the next one.  My favorite flavor is Rich Dark Chocolate.... it's like a blast of chocolate each time! [I sound like a commercial!]  Not designed to be a meal replacement, but they do fill me up enough until the next one.  [Again, I sound like a commercial!]   Especially if I pair it with a piece of fruit, or some tomatoes, which are my new favorite snack - little grape tomatoes are fun to eat!

I'm surprising myself with how much I seem to actually care about my body and am paying attention to it. 
For example, yesterday, I was feeling disappointed with work stuff, and social stuff (i.e. lack of boyfriend), however, I still wanted my body to be strong. I listened, and added a mini three exercise workout to my day. 

Even at home, that night, still feeling disappointed about social stuff (i.e. boys - pretty much always the theme) I was aware of how my belly felt and what I really wanted... to feel healthy.   Over the past few months... ok, years...chocolate and carbs and feeling full has provided me with that satisfaction of filling that void.   

I also find that tracking my food in the online diary is helping as a reality check.  So when my mind desires food - I can ask myself am I really hungry?   And if I haven't eaten enough yet, based on the food log, I know that I probably am hungry.  If the food log is complete and full of enough food, I can ask my belly if it is really hungry or just tired or maybe what we call "mouth hunger".   Mouth hunger for me is the desire to chew.... or the desire to have a certain taste experience.   It is generally unnecessary food.   However, sometimes it helps to give into the mouth hunger so I don't go completely crazy :)  

Heartbreak Binge

I can feel the urges ....  the thoughts of which foods would taste good to soothe my broken heart.  Well, it's not really broken, but I feel little stabs of sadness, and waves of disappointment over having such a great time with my friend this weekend, and realizing, knowing, that I told myself stories and very quickly became attached to the idea of him and that those ideas are not realistic. 

So anyway, which foods ease heartbreak?
Chocolate: the "go to" for many, myself included....chocolate candy, chocolate muffins, cookies, ice cream... you name it.   Ben & Jerry's - the kings of ice cream - make a chocolate and mint crunch type ice cream that is incredible.   

Bread: especially anything doughy.  When I lived in Albany, a local bakery called Mastroianni Bros made THE BEST rolls and bread.   I literally used to eat them Every. Day.  For the better part of a year, I ate an entire loaf of their bread every Saturday morning.  

Sweet and salty together: "kettle" type chips or popcorn is excellent for this craving. 

Sandwiches:  there is something unusually comforting about sandwiches.  Sheetz carries two "wrap" style sandwiches in it's pre-made section that I really like. 

Whether or not I choose to partake in any of these has yet to be determined.  I am REALLY enjoying fitting in my clothes again - holding steady at 156.    So I actually feel like I should just stick with what I've been eating.  I have plenty of healthy options to keep me full.  

Tuesday Obsessions

1. Bitstrips  
Create an avatar ( cartoon of yourself ) and then use their hilarious pre-made cartoons to post on facebook!   Totally cracking me up!  

2.  Hopeless Romantic

That would be me.  Wishing, and hoping, and dreaming, and praying..... wanting and longing for the romance that I've had brief tastes of, here and there....   But reality is that right NOW, I have everything I need RIGHT NOW. 

3.  Not Food

Normally I spend at least one day obsessed with food.  As in, what delicious and "bad" thing can I eat today?   Or, which of my favorite foods will fill that void I feel... the longing for all that I don't have?  I have not been desiring food to quench these feelings lately.  It is unusual!   It is good! 

Too Many Good Days

It's unusual for me to have this many "good" days.   I've been tracking my food in My Fitness Pal, keeping under my calories, and I've been losing weight - almost 10 lbs in a week due to the fact that my binges cause me to hold a lot of water. 

I'm almost completely turned off by the thought of overeating.   It is still an automatic reaction for me, and thoughts of Jimmy Johns swirl through my mind.   But the idea of eating so much churns my stomach and not in a good way.  

I think this is partly due to my clothes starting to fit better, giving me confidence to continue this mindful eating.   Also partly due to the confidence of seeing my friend over the weekend.  Huge ego boost for me.  Huge!  

My "No meat" experiment began last Monday after I was too tired / lazy etc to go to Costco to buy more chicken, and not wanting to spend the extra money to buy them at the store.   So I decided to substitute protein shakes, quest protein bars, and nuts as protein sources for the week.   I actually felt really good after doing that and have kept doing it, for the most part ( except a chicken sandwich Friday night, and there was some turkey on my sandwich Saturday morning ).  

Monday Obsessions

Today's "Obsessions"

1.  Clean Cars

Something about the bright sunshine today, post road trip, providing the urges to wash my car.  Oh I long for a hose, bucket, sponge and cloth to do it myself ... it has been over 3 years!   But the drive through car wash will have to do.   

Returned to the good ol' gas station by work and their $5 car wash, because the $8 car wash at the Sunoco in Centreville is "touch less", which apparently translates to "less clean".   

Returned to work feeling satisfied in my clean car.

2.   "What rhymes with hug me?"    

Yup- Blurred lines by Robin Thicke.   Maybe I am a few months behind in this song obsession, but I love it. I finally downloaded this song, along with "Cups" from Pitch Perfect, and "Roar" the best new power song by Katie Perry, and have been playing these three songs on repeat all day.   

All confidence builders.  Can't go wrong there!   

3. Big Smiles

Still bursting with smiles and happiness from this weekend.   Memories, flashbacks, and recounting the events to my clients and friends brings continued smiles.  Sometimes so big I can't contain my joy.   It's likely these will turn to sadness soon as time goes by, and memories fade to longing, but for now, I'll take the joy!

4.  Dumbbell "T" 's 

This is just an excellent exercise all around.   Stability, mobility, strength..... it hits it all!   I put them into my workout this morning, and all of my clients today will be doing them.   And probably tomorrow too!   

Trader Joe's You Win Again!

Three days in a row of "clean" eating.... I figure this is due to the following:
1) The new medication I take has a reputation of increasing blood glucose, leading to weight gain.
2) I seem to be in a manic cycle
3) A friend called yesterday and wants to possibly meet halfway this weekend and I'm motivated to look my best!

My Fitness Pal is helpful for planning my food intake for the day to ensure I stay under my calorie goal (including what it estimates I burn through my workouts).  I can still have my Quest Peanut Butter Cups [ side note the peanut butter part tastes so chalky and weird but the chocolate is so good that i find it is totally worth it! ]

At Trader Joe's today I stocked up on fresh produce, my low carb wraps, and kale chips and still spend under $30!   I notice I consistently spend less there than at Giant, or any other store, so it feels like a bargain.  We shall see at the end of the month if I have spent less overall on groceries.  But in the meantime I am excited to spend less than $30 on such bounty!

One day I would like to buy everything at the store just to try it ALL because it is so unique and appealing. Of course that is not realistic, so occasionally I will buy something that looks semi healthy and semi delicious [or vice versa as my eyes see it].   In the display at the checkout lane was a "low carb dark chocolate" bar.  Really???  Oh yes, the chocolate gods have struck again!   Reviews to come later, if positive. 

Eating Clean..... Again

I unpacked some bins of clothes last weekend and found jeans and pants in every size.   I tossed the ones I knew would never fit again, but some are not as old and could fit if I made an effort.

So here I am, back on the "eating clean" cycle... lately this only lasts for 2 days, 3 days max.   Spring of 2012 I was able to eat clean for two months and get down to an amazing 140 lbs.  I was hungry all. the. time.  And I hated it.  I couldn't wait to eat.  So slowly, over the summer, I put 10 or so pounds back on.  

And then the next 20, over the last 12 months.   

I know what to eat to lose weight.  I have no desire to starve myself again.  Been there, done that. 

In an ideal world I would "eat when I'm hungry, and sleep when I'm tired" as my mother used to say about vacation.   I would only eat until satiated, and not to fill a void nor as a substitute for another activity. 

It also requires, in my opinion, keeping track in a food diary or food log.  I love the website 'My Fitness Pal' for keeping track because they have a huge food database.  whats frustrating is how quickly I reach my caloric goal for the day and I feel like I'm not even eating that much!    How do people under-eat????

If I eat as planned for today, I'll be 6 calories OVER my goal, which is about 1700 including my exercise (and I feel they are generous on the caloric burn).   I could give up my Quest Cravings Peanut Butter Cups.... but I don't want to!! 

So asparagus with light cheese wrapped in romaine is my "sandwich" along with some veggies and 12 almonds.  Clean lunch - blah.  

Calorie Counter

Not sure this is something to brag about, but I know the calorie count of just about every food.  I can estimate it in my head.  Why?  Because I've been counting calories since middle school.   Without thinking, I know that a serving of Cheerios is 3/4 of a cup and approximately 100 calories.   I know that a medium apple and a medium banana are both about 100 calories, and that blackberries have the least amount of sugar.   

Now that I'm 36 years old (!), it saddens me to think I have been counting calories since I was 14.   It saddens me to think 14 year old girls today worry about their calories just as I did at that age.  

This "skill", if you will, actually comes in handy with my clients. I can scan their food diaries and quickly estimate calories.   Of course, today, databases such as "My Fitness Pal" are full of (fairly) accurate nutritional statistics and my educational guesses are pretty much useless.  

I think this skill works against me sometimes when I am feeling rebellious - tired of counting calories and eating clean - I know that there are over 1000 calories in a burrito from Chipotle or Moe's so I'll get one to rebel against myself.  A box of bakery cookies @ 200+ calories each?  I'm a "bad" girl.  This also serves to confirm that I cannot be trusted with food.   

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

That's actually the title of a documentary about food.   I have not watched it yet, but I hear positive reviews.  Plus it's free on Hulu, and probably Netflix, too. 

Fat
I'm not really fat, I just feel fat.   Because I have not felt well enough to exercise, and because I have been eating everything I want ( i.e. everything I crave), justifying it with, "....But I'm sick...!".

Nevertheless, we all know basic science says three or four days of carb overload leads to water retention, mood swings, and headaches.  Fo' sho'. 
I have not weighed myself, but I can tell by my clothes that I am the heaviest I have ever been (when your "fat clothes" are tight, you know).

Sick
I did buy every type of cough and cold medicine out there.  Notice in the picture, I have also been to every store in NOVA.   

Expectorants, suppressants, and multi-symptom relief.... something ought to kick in by now!!  Or hopefully tomorrow. 

Nearly Dead
I'm not nearly dead.   Somewhere deep inside, my heart is devastated that I look as bad as I do.  My self esteem is nearly dead.   But it can be saved and I am working on it!

Comfort Food

Today is another fat day.   I've never been this big, this wide, or this heavy.  I can’t stop eating -  I just want comfort…….  Why?   Because I hurt.  Losing my friends hurts my heart.  It’s getting easier, in general, but I still feel a stab of pain when I see their activity on Facebook, or have a memory of one of them.   The meditation will help, but it’s much easier to just eat.  And frankly, there is a rush, a bit of an adrenaline rush, that comes with “cheating” and eating “bad” food.

Plus, my chest cold remains in my chest and has managed to travel to my head, so I’m still sick, and that is not helping my motivation to do anything.   Nor is the rain…. Or, more like torrential downpours.

Today I bought what I wanted yesterday – Pancakes and French toast with scrambled eggs, sausage, and bacon from Expo Café… ( this amazing “breakfast / lunch only” café located in the building next to ours ). 

Letter To My 13 Year Old Self

13 year old Beth , 

You're going to drive to Notre Dame with the Mikas and have a very memorable trip.  For some reason both you and Jennifer are reading a book about an anorexic girl and pick up the habits.   Jennifer is already smaller than you and will become full fledged anorexic very soon.  Please do not compare yourself to her.   Please do not adopt her habits.   Yes, you all eat a doughnut at the hotel breakfast during the trip.   And that should not be a major memory, nor an issue.   Remember the fun, the celebration, the beautiful weather and all the things that make Notre Dame unique!  

Despite being your closest friend through middle school, Jen will struggle with food, but you will never talk about it.    You will also struggle with food and never talk about it. 

Jen will eventually go for help to a treatment center in Atlanta during your freshmen year of high school.    Be prepared for your reality check and find a way to deal with this.   Yes, you'll have crew, and races, and new friends, and fun activities, but you'll still use food to control every anxiety. 

You will wish you had a way to ask for help, like Jen got, but you do not know how to describe the issue.  Find a way!  Stop hiding your food!   Stop denying your desire to control everything you eat!  

You are smart, beautiful, and fun.  Relax and enjoy life!  

Sincerely, 
36 year old Beth